Everyone hates falling and failure generally is described as a fall. It hurts. Falls can cause bruises, breaks, cuts and at worst even death. It is only natural that when we equate failure to the possibility of death that we can fear it. There are key moments on the macro and micro level in life that failure can result in death. I have stared death in the face in various ways in some of my deepest on-the-surface failings. I say on-the-surface failings because when you look at the fact that I was homeless during many of those moments, the homelessness would be the failure. That said, by learning to embrace failure and see the beauty from the falls as I climbed back up, I see the homelessness as a success too.
I acknowledge and accept that I could be buried somewhere right now, or worse. Yes, there are things worse than death. Ask me about the screams on the trains that I still shudder from hearing when I was in that state of existence. I didn’t write this to explain all that here. The focus is actually on the successes that came from what most would see as just a failure. No one wants to be homeless but, some of the most successful people have been homeless at some point. Any one of them will say that they are grateful that it happened that way. I am.
The Giant Leap -Leaving My Old Life
In 2018 I left being a wife and one of Jehovah’s Witnesses simultaneously. That was ballsy, trust me. I spent the year prior slowly waking up from a very deep depression that had come to live over me as if it was a stench I couldn’t smell until I took a shower in the sun. The last month was spent in deep contemplative prayer and meditation. Around this point I had started to realize that my depression didn’t just stem from the terrible marriage but also from the organization I knew and loved since infancy. I knew it meant taking a giant leap of faith and leaving my old life completely.
I will never say the organization is all bad because well, my parents and some family are still in it. So ya know, there’s a few good eggs. I say that in jest and in genuineness that there are solid people in there and I am who I am because of the training I received. I mean just ask about my sales records in the secular world. For me though, like a dirty soldier, bruised up and battered after years of service, my body and soul couldn’t handle it any more. I had to pivot, otherwise my greatest failing would have probably been self chosen death.
So yeah, I stared death in the face in 2020 when I left a murderous ex-boyfriend and again when I landed homeless in Reno without a friend with a home. The amazing people that I met during that time who saved me when I stared death in my face renewed my faith in the core of humanity. I would say one of the greatest tragedies in organizations such as The Worldwide Order of Jehovah’s Witnesses, is the teaching that the only good and truly faithful people are in their organizations. It doesn’t matter what religious organization it is, there are many that teach the same sadness. It isn’t true. There are people I only knew for a few hours, a few days or a few months ultimately but they put their lives on the line for me. I will never know why but they did.
The Stare Down Death’s Road
The scariest stare down death’s road was the gun pointed at me and the friend that forcefully pulled me away and got us out of there. Running from something like that and realizing you’re lucky they didn’t pull the trigger is quite sobering. You’re different after a moment like that. For the better or for the worse? That depends on how you decide to remember that moment. I remember it as a mixture of scary but life affirming and strengthening. When I was homeless I learned to see the answers to my prayers on the micro level in ways I had never seen before simply because I never had to rely on my prayers of faith so much.
Even when I left my old life behind, there was still a measure of reliance on myself or others around that kept me safer. There were definitely trying moments and times but the two months I was living on the streets in Reno went deeper. It was like a whirlwind at times, feeling as if I was being moved along, forcefully at times, back on my feet.
That’s why I do view my homelessness as an on-the-surface failure. When I look deeper, the more I see I see it as a blessing to be incredibly grateful for. For the first time in my life I live on my own. I am fully independent. This October marked the two year anniversary of leaving an asshole and arriving homeless in Reno. January 2023, marks the one year anniversary of graduating from a court ordered program (yep that happened, don’t worry, I don’t have a record) and starting an LLC on my own. That LLC is generating revenue and is the start of so much more to come.
Most importantly while I do suffer from PTSD from some of those interesting moments in my life, I am recovering quite well. Day by day, week by week, I am getting better. The PTSD symptoms started part way in 2018 and between 2018 and 2020 I was hospitalized about 8 times for severe symptoms. It is almost 2023 and I can happily say I haven’t been hospitalized since 2020. I know that I am getting stronger and it feels so good.
A very positive scripture, Proverbs 24:16 states, “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again.” I am grateful to have learned that scripture in my youth. It can take a lifetime to learn that truth and I learned it early. I learned that it is okay to fall and stumble, get back up. And if we believe in a spiritual realm then we know we are never on our own. We can see the hands helping us whether they be physical or spiritual.
There were moments when I would be standing somewhere terrified and the only thing that brought me back was a song that started to play around me. Whether it was in a casino or someone’s radio in their car and even my own headphones until I lost those. Music became a powerful influence for me when I saw songs pop up randomly that I needed to hear. Simple things like that, where I learned to see my prayers answered in subtle ways, taught me to listen more for the answers I could find.
Failure is not a weakness unless we allow ourselves to see it that way. We choose how we perceive memories and our lives. I’m still working on seeing just how strong of a person I am and how well I am doing these days but, I am incredibly proud of everything. The failures that led to successes and the general successes I’ve seen in my life.
I tend to see life as many others do, a path to be walked. I’m climbing in the mountains, up and down, in and around as I go walking my path in life. Where are you walking? Where do you see yourself in the grand scheme of things and your life on the macro? Embrace the slides, the failures and the views as you look upon the beauty of your life.